Becoming ..a thought

I started a strange walk
about 12 years ago to becoming a different person. Its not something I talk
about , I am not sure why I hide ..other than i dont think you will understand.
I have always been very aware of everything around me and everything speaks to
me. I think I always had an idea I was not exactly normal. My mind started
acting oddly and it started a long road of hospitals and pain. I am manic
depressive and I can not take normal medication , it causes a ppsychotic
reaction in my mind and body. I have spend a long time being very ill. I am
gifted in odd ways and often feel that my state of mind and chemicals is a
result of being gifted or ...maybe i am gifted as a result so is it an illness.
I have to cope with the help of medication to help me hear my own thoughts and
coping skills. Learning to fix your problems is a better idea than masking the
symtoms with medication , I hate that. I suffered from agoraphobia and panic
attacks first from ptsd. I got angry , i have never had an issue with being afraid
of nature or people. I could suddenly hear thoughts and felt like the wind and
earth talked to me, I felt like i was getting eaten. I felt these odd thoughts
of you will die in the air , you must not leave the house... I am not one to
not face a challenge and thought okay...as i got my coat and boots and went
outside. The more I fought the more ...they fought back. With a panic attack
....a deep breathe and no you are not... screaming in my mind. Suddenly being
aware that you fighting more than an illness is a fearful thought. I thought
for a few months on that or longer. I am not afraid , it is not a normal
emotion for me..it is not in me. I have a different emotion of ....you scare me
and i am fixing it so i am not scared..thats my emotion. I think that is a
healther mind set. It did occur to me from the past visions and dreams ...I am
not normal or human. I do not hunderstand hate and do not and did not then
understand the hatred of me in my heart and mind. To me fear and hate are evil
emotions. I have battles with pain on a daily basis , the pain moves and
changes . I am never sure of why it is ..just that the energy is wrong. I walk
thru the pain , i do not like to give in. On a walk one summer afternoon about
4 years ago ...i heard a voice telling me horrible things and knew it was not
my mind. I see emotions thru my eyes , I dont think others do and i often
wonder why and know why i get attacked with it so often. A while later , I
looked in the bathroom on a different afternoon. I looked up and felt someone
look back at me. I said I am not Holly ....thats me...that energy ..thats me
....i am not sad or unhappy...thats Hollys energy and that is not me , there
are too many energies attached and running it. I cant be holly any more and
live happy. The voice said I had two options...murge and fix it or let go and
learn to be who I am ....without being holly. I do not ever like the easy
option..that is not my way. I can not be Holly it is not my soul or my energy.
I wish to be myself. At several points in my life , my higher mind took over
and I knew it was me and who I am. That is a different blog or story...laughs.
Over the period of a few months I slowly became someone else ..my mind changed
..my memories shifted and the pain lessened. It was like Holle was shut off. My
body was wracked with pain. I started becoming aware of moving in a different
way and while the pain lessened ..the attacks do not. I view most would think
this story as alesson in psychotic behavior, but it is my truth and not yours. I
am not me but I am me...i have spend the last three years putting a distance
between me and those that have been in my life to start over , and I and my
heath are most happy I have done so. I am not HOlle , how do you tell someone
that?? I have memories that are not of Holle or this life or human. I do not
like using a name, people always want that..a name .... a memory .. a word. I
know meaning and emotions and you do not hear me.. you do not hear yourself. I
can hear the tree spake. I can talk to the bird. I can hear the spirit lost in
the street and know how to take it to home to heal. I know how to twist the
earth with air to put in you to heal. That is who I am ...do you need a name? i
am me and you do not feel what i say as a name. I came to heal the lost ...and
myself. My mind is a terrifying place to live in. I see visions with emotions
and can see them in front of me. I can see the future plain as day ....as if it
is happening. I can hear the future, comes in handy to avoid that call you dont
want laughs. While I am not Holly... but might accept being Holle...I am an
indivual not a name. I am a being with a never dieing soul and emotional energy
that says who I am. I can spake to the wind and hear myself ... i can tap my
foot and hear the earth answer. I wish you could hear your voice in the earth
and wind as I.


I am a clairvoyant savant. I am therian and I can channel that and my past
lifes.. I only do one at a time to get to know myself. Hearing the earth and
being my various parts is my joy. I am not human . I am a cherubic creature
that is a bit of all nature. I know my name , do you? I do not run ... do ye? I
came home 40 years ago and I hide. I did not create as you , I illusion and
hide.. I did not hide well enough , for you found me , you will not do so
again. I look at a picture from 4 years ago and see a different person ... i
watch my face and body shift. Do you think you will find me? if i dont allow?
do you? My pain is enormous daily , feeling my insides move and change , and
knowing I am the one doing it , do you fear? me , you should. I am not done and
do not think I am ...I am ..not done yet. I fear you not. Am i crazy , maybe.
My joy ...watching the sun set in peace...drinking my soda at the mall, walking
downtown on an afternoon with an ice cream ...my life of peace....and quiet.
The fight to get it was worth it .....fear ye not for you walk thru the valley
of the shadow of death , fear ye not for the dead walk with you and death is
not to be feared ..fear those who made them dead


I AM GABRIEL