I sit looking at my state id , wondering who the person was in the picture because its not me. I look at my photo album and wonder the same. I ran away from home about 3 years ago and did not bring much or any of my old life with me. I might be spending most of the holidays alone, not depressed happy , i really want time alone to reflect. I look at the pictures and the name and its not me. What do you do when no one in your life really knows who you are? Not just a name but a person? I want to visit my family and do not know how to go about it some times. I am not the same person , what do I do if they notice. A close friend who has had a personality change much as me says just be myself and let them get to know me. It sounds so easy but so hard emotionally in my mind and heart. Being me in the past has gotten me in a hospital. They dont know me , so I wonder, do I know them? I have had traumatic events psychicly the last several years and woke up after a walk one after noon and looked in the mirror, and asked if i was myself, holle. I felt too many people running me and felt something undead with no energy breathing in me ...running me. I looked up in the mirror not looking at myself and said my guides are in my body and I am not. The enemy runs me and together my guides and they are holle and i am not. I said the energy around me , the calm is me ..and I asked to be that and not the pain anymore. A voice I know said yes and told me it would not be easy and would be very painful for several years and asked if i knew who i am and what i was doing. Looked up , we have tried this for 10 years and 10 lifetimes and yes i do. A few days later , i noticed a change in my body and felt less of my physcial pain in my body and felt , different. I admit four and a half years later it is no easier. Each day brings attacks and pain but still the calm is here and now its me and i am not who i used to be. I look to the calm to center me and help me find my joy each day and my happiness is that, each day. How do i tell people this or who i am , i always think they will think me crazy. I never know how to ask for help even when i know i should ..i always think i really know i should not. I watch people around me get hurt and I know it is best to let them help me , help myself instead...a happy center point to meet in. But still the calm center inside me no longer outside me , with me longing not to hurt anymore. I see and feel things you do not. I feel things you can not see. It is my joy and my happy and so is the bus are meeting new people and watching the stars at night.
I get attacked often , i do know why , i choose not the word victim. Make life what you will , despite evil.
I heal people to get energy back , i know that makes me one of many but still to you a name. not to myself
my face changes in front of me as does my weight.
I can hear your thoughts and feel what you are feeling
I can hear the trees spake and the wind , you know it talks
its hard finding a bad moment sometimes hard finding a good moment but ...i will keep trying.
life makes you wonder ....but not much ...just live it
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